Flirting with Committed Men

I read an article recently entitled “Why Your Crush On My Husband Is Not OK.”  After reading the title alone I sorta judged it as an insecure wife who was threatened by some random insignificant bimbo.  But it was shared on Facebook by a friend, and I thought I would go ahead and give it a read-through.  I was surprised by the very valid points that were made, and it opened my eyes to how I may have been perceived when I was single.  Yes, I was overly-flirty at times.  I may have confessed to a crush or feelings for a man or two that was committed, in the past.  In the article, the author asks,

“Why tell a married man that you have a crush on him? What’s the goal?  Do you want a relationship with him?  You realize that means he would have to leave his wife for you, right?  You would be destroying a family.  Are you seeking an affair?  You would be ok with the lies and the deceit of an affair?  You are that immoral and that lustful?  Are you seeking just a web flirtation and a fantasy?  You realize that is still wrong right?  You are aiding in breaking down the trust and commitment of a marriage.  What’s your motivation here?  Why tell a married man you’re interested?”

In my past I really didn’t think all of that through.  I did confess my feelings with a slight amount of hope, I admit.  But I never expected anything to come of it.  I didn’t think through the details of the man keeping that secret from his wife or starting any break-down of trust.  I believed what I was doing was harmless. (By the way, nothing ever came of any of those situations in my life)

Now that I am in what I believe will the the last, longest and most meaningful relationship of my life, I understand the other side of this.  I get it!  Its not about being insecure or threatened.  Its about people’s general lack of consideration and respect for other people.

“Expressing your crush on my husband is disrespectful, not only to me but to the sanctity of our marriage.  …  How classless and immoral do you have to be to not only express your feelings for a man with a wife but to also publicly display that you have no respect for his wife or his marriage?  …  Are you trying to encourage deceit in what is the most sacred of relationships?  Were you thinking he would keep it from me, that you would have a secret friendship, that you would somehow be closer or more important to my husband than I am?”

I don’t think a person who has never had such a strong bond and deep commitment with another, could possibly understand the feeling behind these words.  They are just words until you are in a place where you feel personally attacked by the lack of respect from other people.  I dare compare it to having your home robbed, only with the person you feel closest to rather than belongings.

And then after the feelings have been expressed to this man, and the woman still wants to be friends as if nothing ever happens.  The author has a great answer for that too,

“It’s simply because your morals have already been shown to be questionable and because you cannot be trusted.  Of course I trust my husband but trusting my husband does not mean that you are suddenly deserving of trust or friendship.”

Yet another point I didn’t really understand until recently.  Why would a wife trust a woman who has made her feelings known about her husband?  Its not a matter of being overly paranoid or insecure.  Its a matter of the “crush-er” not having respect for your relationship, and therefore is not friend material.

For so long I really didn’t understand the “jealous wife’s” point of view.  And now I do.  I feel enlightened, and its good to understand now what I was doing wrong all that time.

Random Thoughts About The World

technology-addictedThe internet contains vast amounts of information.  But no real person-to-person bonds are made.  Sure you can sit and chat with people, you can get to know who they say they are.  You can even video chat, text, talk on the phone.  But overall, anyone can act like anyone or anything they want online.  For the most part, meeting online is just words on a screen, like you’re reading now.  You don’t know who anyone really is.  And if someone disagrees with any opinion, they can be as cold-hearted as they want in their disagreement without feeling any consequence.

We see pictures of people dying, of births, of parties and celebrations, of vacations, families, beautiful destinations, tragedy… anything you want to see and a whole lot you don’t want to see.  Its all there.

We see news stories of local people living their individual lives, of war, of famine, of disease ridden countries, of accidents, triumphs, murders, miracles.

just_say_no_to_gmo_s_by_poasterchild-d6hghziWe hear talk of the poisons we eat in our foods, how the life we live is wrong, and what we are doing will kill us.  And if we don’t kill ourselves or each other, the world will end and we will all die anyway.

People preach “the one and only truth” and try to convince everyone including themselves that their pain and suffering will end if they only believe hard enough. Pray often enough.  Cry desperately enough.

bullshit1-300x300Politicians saying whatever they think people want to hear to put them in power.. or to be the star puppet for the puppet show we call government.

We read inspiration: Never give up.  Keep calm and carry on.  Count your blessings.  Life is beautiful.

We see disasters coming – weather, viral, bacterial, global changes – and we panic with nothing to do to change the course of things.

But how does this create any connection?  How is this helpful?

It seems anymore everyone is just so lonely and angry.  There’s not enough time to meet new people.  Work, sleep, repeat.  Kids are growing up without any guidance, feeling entitled and perpetuating the rudeness and anger of the frustration of their parents and caregivers.  Basing their attitudes and lives around the images they see in media – games, TV, movies.

It may seem like a catastrophic idea, but I’d love to see computers quit natural-medicineworking.  Shut down the whole power grid!  Let life reset and lets get back in touch with our Earth, our human nature, and human kind.  The answer to all our problems lies within our natural world.  The ease of depression, anxiety, other illnesses… it could all be eased or cured with the materials Mother Nature has put right in front of us.  Sunshine.  Natural foods and herbs.  Walking and natural exercise.  Laughter.  Hugs.  Fresh air.

But we are beyond repair.  As a society, we are doomed.  Far too electronic-dependent.  Way too far out of touch with the natural patterns of life.  Caught up in our own routines to notice anyone or anything else.  And still crying that we want to feel better without doing anything to make it better.

My Own Space

My sister has been living with me since mid-July.  I thought since Sean and I couldn’t find a place together, and I hate not having someone keep me company in the evenings, having her here would be nice for a while.  When she moved in, we were all aware the living room would basically be her bedroom, and I moved things around so she could having some storage space to keep her belongings tidy and out of the way of daily life.

It was nice to have her here at first.  She had moved here out of foster care, and it was nice to have her back around.  We had all missed each other, and it was great having someone to talk to.  But as time passed, she got comfortable and stopped following the house rules.  I really wasn’t asking much of her.  I wanted her to do a couple of simple chores every day such as pick up after herself and other minor things, finish school, watch the kids from time to time, and work a part time job.  After a couple weeks she quit picking up after herself.  She blew off the job opportunities she had, and refused to put true effort into finding anything else for income.  She only did chores about half the time.  And she would watch the boys, but then I would get reports from them later, and the people they talked to, about how rude and mean she would be while I was gone.  The only thing she was doing right was continuing to go to school (which, don’t get me wrong, is great!!)

After a few more weeks, the negative energy in my home was unbearable.  I never wanted to be home, I all but gave up on keeping my house tidy in any way, my kids didn’t listen to me anymore, and everyone was about 90% obsessed with TV, internet, and video games.  Finally I layed down one final rule for her: put in one job application per day, and you can stay.  I wanted her to leave the house and be productive and contribute somehow.  She put in an application the first day after I put that rule into effect, then went three days without.  When I called her on it, she put in 4 all at once, as if to make up the difference.  But to me, that just proved that she couldn’t be trusted to do her required task.  So with only 1 month left of school before she is done with the requirements for her diploma, I booted her out.

Today was her deadline.  She quick found a place to store her things at the last minute.  She packed a bag and was well aware that she had no place to stay.

stock-illustration-16976834-homeless-personNow before you ask how I could be so heartless as to kick my sister out onto the street: be aware that in foster care she couldn’t stay in a place for too long either, for all the same issues I had and more.

I pray that pushing her out the way I did will spark a fire under her butt to take care of herself.  To find a job and make some money, to realize how expensive it is to survive without money and do something about it.  To be a better guest and pick up after herself.  To not take help for granted, and to be more self-sufficient.

I really did have the best intentions when she moved in.  I wanted to help her learn how to be a responsible adult.  But I learned that you absolutely cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves.

Now that she is out, my house feels like my home again.  I will be better able to manage the tidiness without my living room being someone’s bedroom.  My kids will be better managed when it comes to homework and reading instead of video games and TV shows.  The negativity will dissipate and we can have a home full of happiness again.

It Will Work This Time

From March to June, Sean and I looked for a rental house.  And I feel like a broken record when I say we are looking again.  We got rejection after rejection last time.  The market in this town is ridiculously competitive, and obviously there are people looking who have higher qualifications than we do.  Not to mention we have an extra obstacle to leap over (which I won’t go into here).  We have already started getting rejections, but we are continuing to try.  This time I have a job too, therefore more income and proof that we take our rent and bills seriously as a couple.  I have always, and will always put rent first – because if you don’t have a home, there’s nowhere to keep everything else you want to buy/pay for.  I have 4 continuous years of excellent rental history to speak for that fact.  We keep a clean home, we keep to ourselves so we aren’t a problem for neighbors, and we are looking for a long-term residence since we want stability while the kids go through school.  I’m talking a desired 10+ years in the same home.  We don’t want to move again until the kids are all graduated and we start travelling.  I’m pretty handy, so if there are small things that need repaired, I will most likely do it myself if I can do it right.  I want to keep the outside looking nice too, with gardening and flowers.

Surely there must be something out there.  Surely there must be a landlord or home owner that would want a responsible family in their house, long-term.  I just don’t understand why its taking so long to find them.

STOP This Rape Culture

This is seriously getting out of hand.  Not only the few mentioned here, but also the many not mentioned or noticed, the law enforcement, the college students, the parents and family members and MANY, MANY more people who perpetuate the acceptance of such abuse…. this needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.  It is NOT okay.

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Name, graphic design and writings are © 2013-2014 Shauna Lane and sole intellectual property of Shauna Lane unless otherwise credited. Sharing and distribution of content should be through this page's provided methods, or done with permission from the author/creator. Contact information is provided.

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