Finding Me

I am in the last couple months of being 33 years old, and I am just now really finding me.  It has taken me this long!!  I am evaluating the sights, sounds, flavors, smells, and sensations around me all seemingly for the first time.  What do I really like compared to what have I accepted as my own preference because it was someone else’s preference?  What kind of music really moves me?  What scents bring back the best memories and comfort?  What are my favorite foods, and how is my favorite way to eat them?  What is my favorite genre of movie or television show?  Do I like reading?  Do I like math, science, writing, animals, nature, electronics, etc? 

When I was in my tweens and teens I was the victim of sexual abuse at least a couple of times.  I grew up being a doormat, and I let boys and men take advantage of me…. and some I didn’t allow but they took anyway.  I was never a good friend to others because I was so inside my own victimized perception, always wanting to please people.  Then in my 20s I spent that entire decade either pregnant, breastfeeding, or just staying at home for the sake of the kids.  It was a fulfilling time for parenting, but also a lonely time because I withdrew from all of my friends and family.  I had post-pardum depression, and my marriage failed.  Then toward the end of my 20s I suffered the very tragic loss of my fiance, Jason. 

Here I am now, in my 30s.  My children are 12, 10 and 8 years old.  Its been 5 years since the passing of Jason.  And I still haven’t done anything for ME!  My kids, the men I’ve dated, my mom and sister, even my friends… they have all ALWAYS come first.  I have always given everything I have to make the people close to me comfortable and happy.  I have very seldom ever given to myself anything of real value.  Not proper education, not new clothes, not a healthy or active lifestyle… really nothing!  And every time I have gotten it into my head to try being healthier or being better to myself, something happens that sets me back into a haze of circumstance, and I am neglected once again.

So lately, little by little, I have been evaluating what it is I really like.  I have been trying to decide where I want to start, and what little steps I can take to make my life feel good for ME.  There has been a lot of stress, so its a slow process.  But that is life.  Always changing, always learning, always growing.

Some of the things so far that I know I want: a body that is stronger and more fit, a diet that is more pure and nourishing, clothes that make me feel more feminine and less poor, and at least a few minutes per day to just smile, laugh and dance around the house even if its for no reason, and a much more positive home environment.  I want security, happiness, and warmth to radiate from me when I am out in public.  I want to be sure of myself, and know that I am doing right by me and my standards.  And I want to care less what other people may think of my life choices, because what they like and don’t like shouldn’t make any difference to me and my path.

I cannot say this is a turning point for me, because just writing about it doesn’t change anything. Its a process.  Its one I am enjoying, and one that will be long… perhaps even for the rest of my life.  But at least now I can do things for me without feeling selfish.  I am a person too, and I should not neglect me just because I feel someone else has a right to my attention or time.  I need to come first.  Because if I am not healthy and truly happy, then I can’t be a good mother, daughter, lover, wife, sister or friend to anyone else.

Backing Off

I have been backing off of blogging lately.  It seems ever since my divorce was finalized in May, I have just been keeping to myself or talking to my close friends.  I realize that the majority of followers I have on this blog are people that followed me trying get my attention to push their own philosophies or products on me rather than actually reading my blog.  So why share the depths of my life with people who don’t really care?  Please correct me if I’m wrong.  I would really like to know who reads these words anyway.  I’ve been blogging here for a year as of today, and so far I may have a very small following…. make yourselves known, please. :)

The summer has been slow and long already.  I have a new job which is going great, but the changes that have occurred in my household have left us broke and constantly needing more.  We aren’t going to be able to do most of what we had planned – even me and Sean’s wedding was delayed.  And unfortunately a lot of time is being taken up by electronics, as they are one of our very few entertainment luxuries at the moment.  I hate to admit they are an escape from reality for me.  But its not like I’m not doing things to improve my situation as well.  I am continuing to search for a 2nd job.  The chores and housework are getting done as needed.  And I was even able to plant a small garden with permission from my apartment manager.

So that’s our summer so far.  Nothing too fun and exciting.  Just low-budget, lazy days.

Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives: Why Human Babies Do Not and Should Not Sleep Alone


I co-slept and bedshared with my babies… so convenient for breastfeeding, and such a blessed bonding experience.

Originally posted on Neuroanthropology:

mother-and-childBy James J. McKenna Ph.D.
Edmund P. Joyce C.S.C. Chair in Anthropology
Director, Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory
University of Notre Dame
Author of Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Cosleeping

Where a baby sleeps is not as simple as current medical discourse and recommendations against cosleeping in some western societies want it to be. And there is good reason why. I write here to explain why the pediatric recommendations on forms of cosleeping such as bedsharing will and should remain mixed. I will also address why the majority of new parents practice intermittent bedsharing despite governmental and medical warnings against it.

Definitions are important here. The term cosleeping refers to any situation in which a committed adult caregiver, usually the mother, sleeps within close enough proximity to her infant so that each, the mother and infant, can respond to each other’s sensory signals and cues. Room sharing is…

View original 2,617 more words

A Change Of Plans

A quick update:  For reasons I don’t feel the need to explain in any length, Sean and I decided to postpone our wedding and our move. My family will continue to live in our cozy apartment.  I even got permission to plant a garden outside my livingroom window!!  So rather than continuing to stress about finding a house when it just wasn’t happening, we decided to put it all on hold and just enjoy life.  Sean and I agree that when the time is right, the right house will be there for us.  Until then, we are just going with the flow.  No more extra stress.

Also, I’m actively looking for a decent job.  I landed a part-time job at a vet clinic taking care of the animals after hours.  But I hope to find another part-time job as well.  The search is slow, but good so far.  :-)

There will be more updates as life happens.

What I See Every Day

“This ordinary thing was happening and what happened next will amaze you!!!”

“Come to my [sales pitch] online party!”

“You’re doing it wrong, here’s the right way.”

Debates or hot-button issues on politics, religion, parenting, medicine, science, chemicals, fair pay, sex, body image, health and illnesses.

Random junk ads for stuff I’d never be interested in.  Example: “How to enlarge your penis and/or breasts the natural way!”

False “facts” supported by bogus scientific studies or evidence, or just plain old-fashioned assumption.

First of all, I’m not easily amazed by anything humanity can do anymore – positive or negative.  That’s one of the many problems with mass media, is that everyone has seen just about everything.  Next, I’m not interested in your random pyramid-schemed products.  I don’t need wax “sprinkles,” I don’t need ridiculously overpriced kitchenware, I definitely don’t need your 1/2-serving sized $30 weight-loss meals when I have an entire family to feed.  I don’t need to be told how to do things “the right way” because quite frankly there is no one right way to do anything.  I am comfortable and happy doing things the way I do them.  My kids have grown thus far with no major injuries or illnesses.  They have a reasonable level of education for their ages.  My way is not perfect because there is no such thing, but it works.  I am happy with my spirituality, medical decisions, body image, health, and I’m getting sufficient help for the things I am not satisfied with.  I don’t have a penis, so it doesn’t need enlarging.  And I certainly don’t need larger breasts for crying out loud.  Anything I want to research I would go to the closest source from origin as possible.  Everything that doesn’t have an origin (such as the known universe) is up for theory and speculation and is just fascinating and fun to think about.

facebook-times-squareI have so had it with all this needless propaganda.  And it seems anymore, that is all the internet is.  Social media, news sites, educational sites, even just games are just filled with advertisements and someone else’s agenda.  Why is it necessary for someone else’s ideas to be shoved down my throat all day every day?  I can barely remember a time during my early childhood that I wasn’t hooked on a digital screen of some sort.  I just want to be able to develop and live by my own ideas and principles.  Would I even know how to do that anymore?  Would anyone, truly?

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Name, graphic design and writings are © 2013-2014 Shauna Lane and sole intellectual property of Shauna Lane unless otherwise credited. Sharing and distribution of content should be through this page's provided methods, or done with permission from the author/creator. Contact information is provided.

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